Your parents might not be getting on very well at the moment.

They could be arguing a lot and not being very nice to each other. This doesnt necessarily mean that they are going to split up. Adults often have arguments which they sort out. Sometimes though, they really cant agree so they split up or divorce.

You are not to blame

But if you think your parents are splitting up, its really important to remember its not your fault.

Lots of kids blame themselves, nothing youve done has caused your parents to split up. They are having problems with each other, not you.

Your parents still love you

Your parents are probably going through a difficult time. They may be feeling lots of mixed up emotions like, confused, angry, sad, worried, disappointed or hurt, and this can be very stressful for everyone.

Remember your parents still love you, even though it might not feel like sometimes.

Adults separate for lots of reasons, but usually its because they dont love each other any more. People change, they may now want different things. If your mum and dad dont want the same things now, this can cause arguments. They will still want whats best for you.

Its normal for children to be upset when their parents separate, and you might even feel caught in the middle. Its OK to love both your parents, you do not have to choose one or another. Your parents will always be your mum and dad even after they have split up.

Talk to your parents

After your parents split up, things will not be the same as before. Your mum and dad will be living in different houses. Parents can be so busy worrying about things and sorting everything out, they forget to ask you how you are feeling. Tell your parents how you are feeling.

Its also OK to ask your mum and dad what is happening.

Talk to your friends

It can be a very painful time and its OK to cry and be upset. It is best not to bottle your feelings up. Tell your friends what is happening so they can support you. Dont be embarrassed, you are certainly not alone, you might be surprised at how many other kids parents have split up.

After your parents have split up, you may be feeling really sad and upset. You have to adjust to your new situation and the pain may go on. Dont expect to feel better too quickly, these things take time but it will get better.

You might wish your parents would get back together, but this probably wont happen. They may make new friends and even start to go out with some of them. In the future your mum or dad might get a new partner. You might be jealous at first and this is normal. Keep talking to your mum and dad about how you are feeling.

You may not like the idea of having to share your mum or dad with someone new. Its not unusual for this to feel strange. Make an effort to be polite to your parents new friends; they could turn out to be really nice.

For more information about different families, see our page on stepfamilies.

It might help to talk to a Kidsline Buddy about how youre feeling.

Kidsline is New Zealands only 24 hour help line for New Zealand children.  Phone 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754) any time.

You can ring any hour of the day on our 0800 number and talk to a trained counsellor about anything that might be worrying you.  These counsellors are caring, understanding adults who will listen to you. 
Or you can also talk on weekdays between 4-6pm to a Kidsline Buddy.

Our service is anonymous and confidential. That means we don't know who you are, unless you choose to tell us and we dont tell anyone what you've said, except in exceptional circumstances where you ask us to.