It can be really upsetting when someone dies. It could be someone in your family, a friend, someone you know, or a pet that has died. It is normal to grieve that loss.

People also grieve when they are separated from friends, like when they move away to another area.

When someone is grieving, they feel pain but are also coming to terms with losing someone special. During this time, a whole variety of feelings can be experienced. These can include feeling helpless, scared, disappointed, shocked, really sad, confused, angry, guilty, alone or abandoned.

People can also feel unwell after someone has died. It is common to get a sore stomach or a headache. Sometimes they have nightmares, cant eat much or feel tired all the time.

It is important to let your feelings out

CRY Dont bottle up your feelings, allow yourself to be sad. Cry for as long and as often as you need to. You dont have to be alone when you do this, let others share in your grief.

TALK Its OK to talk about people who are dead. Its good to remember them, and laugh about the fun times. Talking helps people to share their sadness.

FORGET Its normal to forget about your sadness sometimes and want to do fun things with friends. You need to think about other things too. Or, you may not want to go out much and prefer to stay around the home. This is normal too.

FEAR You may be scared that other people you care about might die as well. This is normal and as time passes these worries fade.

ASK You may have lots of questions such as is there life after death? and who will look after us now and pay for things? or what will happen to the body? Rather than worry, it is a good idea to ask questions.

TIME Grieving takes time, your pain will pass but dont expect to feel better too quickly.

Some things you can do

• Memories fade so you might like to collect a SHOEBOX or file, full of special things to help you remember e.g. photographs of shared times, videos, tapes, books, letters and cards, special presents, the death notice in the paper.
• Get your mum or dad to help you write down memories of shared things you did with the person who died things like, special songs you sang, special places you went, pet names they called you, the things they loved about you.
• Tell the special person you are with that it is OK for them to be upset around you, that they dont have to pretend that they are OK. Say that their tears tell you how much they loved the person who has gone.
• If you know ahead that someone is dying then spend some time with them doing things and tell them how much you love them and say goodbye to them. If you have had an argument with them then make it up.
• If you want to go to the funeral then say so you might have some ideas of how you want to say goodbye at the funeral service tell an adult about them.
• You could say how you feel about them by writing a card, letter or poem and putting it into the coffin as a final gift to that person.

It might help to talk to a Kidsline Buddy about how you're feeling.

Kidsline is New Zealands only 24 hour help line for New Zealand children.  Phone 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754) any time.

You can ring any hour of the day on our 0800 number and talk to a trained counsellor about anything that might be worrying you.  These counsellors are caring, understanding adults who will listen to you. 
Or you can also talk on weekdays between 4-6pm to a Kidsline Buddy.

Our service is anonymous and confidential. That means we don't know who you are, unless you choose to tell us and we dont tell anyone what you've said, except in exceptional circumstances where you ask us to.

Kidsline thanks and acknowledges Specialist Education Service (SES), which is now special education within the Ministry of Education, for their contributed material used to produce these help sheets. Crown copyright 1998.